Sibling relationships can be some of the most enduring and formative bonds in a person’s life. But they don’t come without conflict. Whether it’s a fight over toys, attention, or boundaries, sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up in a shared family space. However, when these rivalries go unmanaged, they can create lasting emotional wounds, disrupt the peace of the household, and stress parents trying to maintain harmony.
This post explores the causes of sibling rivalry, what’s developmentally appropriate at each stage, and how parents can support healthy sibling relationships through practical strategies and emotional attunement.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is the competition, jealousy, and conflict that can occur between brothers and sisters. While often frustrating for parents, it is a normal and expected part of family life. It can stem from a range of causes, including:
Perceived favoritism
Developmental stages and temperament differences
Shared spaces and limited resources
Needs for individual identity and autonomy
Stressors within the family (new baby, divorce, relocation)
Recognizing the underlying reasons behind sibling conflict helps parents respond with empathy instead of frustration. Children often struggle to express deeper needs—like a desire to be seen, valued, or understood—and rivalry becomes a way of communicating distress.
Developmental Stages and Rivalry
Understanding what rivalry looks like at different ages can help caregivers tailor their support.
Toddlers and Preschoolers
At this stage, children are still developing language skills and emotional regulation. Sibling rivalry may look like fighting over toys, mimicking each other, or tantrums when attention is diverted. They are egocentric by nature and don’t yet understand concepts like fairness or sharing.
School-Age Children
Elementary-aged kids are more aware of fairness and comparison. Rivalry can center on achievements, rules, or perceived unequal treatment. They may bicker, tattle, or try to one-up each other. This stage also marks a time when external validation—from teachers, parents, and peers—starts to matter more.
Tweens and Teens
Older children may experience rivalry related to identity, independence, and social standing. Conflicts might be more verbal, sarcastic, or passive-aggressive. Privacy and boundaries become critical. These years can also bring hormonal changes and heightened emotions that intensify conflict.
What’s Normal—and What’s Not
Most sibling conflict is normal and manageable. Occasional arguments or jealousy is expected. However, warning signs that rivalry may be tipping into something more serious include:
Persistent bullying or verbal abuse
Physical aggression that causes harm
Anxiety or depression in one sibling related to the relationship
Extreme withdrawal or refusal to engage
In these cases, professional family counseling can help restore balance and safety. Sometimes underlying issues like trauma, learning differences, or unmet emotional needs are driving the tension.
How Parents Can Help: Strategies for Managing Sibling Rivalry
1. Avoid Comparisons
Statements like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” may seem harmless but can breed resentment. Focus on each child’s unique strengths and avoid ranking their abilities.
2. Give Individual Attention
Children compete more when they feel unseen. Carve out one-on-one time with each child to reinforce their sense of being valued as an individual.
3. Teach Emotional Intelligence
Help children name their emotions, understand their triggers, and use coping strategies. Teach phrases like “I feel frustrated when...” to replace hitting or yelling.
4. Set Clear Family Rules
Establish guidelines for behavior—such as “no name-calling,” “no hitting,” and “ask before borrowing”—so everyone understands the boundaries and expectations.
5. Encourage Problem Solving
Rather than jumping in to fix every argument, guide your children through resolving conflicts themselves. Offer tools like taking turns, brainstorming fair solutions, and apologizing when needed.
6. Model Healthy Conflict
Children observe how their caregivers handle disagreements. Show them how to argue respectfully, apologize, and make amends.
7. Don’t Take Sides
When intervening in conflicts, avoid labeling one child as the “troublemaker.” Ask open-ended questions and help each child feel heard. Focus on solutions, not blame.
8. Create Opportunities for Bonding
Siblings don’t always naturally get along—they need shared positive experiences. Plan activities that build teamwork, laughter, and shared memories.
9. Respect Their Differences
Each child may have a different temperament, pace, or style. Avoid forcing closeness or shared interests. Support them in developing separate identities.
10. Check Your Own Triggers
Some rivalry touches on parental fears about fairness, control, or competence. Stay mindful of your reactions and use moments of tension to pause, reflect, and respond intentionally.
11. Use Rituals to Reset the Tone
When conflict escalates, take a break to reset. Rituals like family walks, game nights, or shared meals can rebuild connection and ease tension.
12. Let Natural Consequences Play Out
Not every disagreement requires intervention. If a sibling excludes the other from a game, let them see how it impacts play. Experience can be a powerful teacher.
The Role of Environment
The family environment plays a large role in how sibling dynamics unfold:
Routines and Structure provide predictability, reducing anxiety and the need to control or compete.
Parental Stress often leads to increased tension among siblings. Self-care for parents is crucial.
Physical Space matters too. When children lack private areas, conflict can escalate. Designating quiet spaces or alone time can help.
Parents should also consider how technology and screen time impact sibling dynamics. Shared devices, competitive games, and online interactions can either bond or divide siblings, depending on how they're used.
Special Circumstances
Blended Families
Step-siblings may face additional challenges adjusting to new dynamics. Allow time for bonds to develop naturally and provide space for complex feelings. Avoid forcing loyalty or closeness, and instead build trust through patience, honesty, and consistency.
Families with a Child with Special Needs
Siblings may feel overlooked or pressured to compensate. Open communication, support groups, and individualized attention help these children feel valued. Give space for honest emotions, even difficult ones like jealousy or guilt.
Trauma or Family Disruption
Major life events like divorce, death, or relocation can intensify sibling rivalry. Family therapy can provide a safe space to work through difficult feelings. Create routines to reestablish safety and give children room to grieve or adjust.
When to Seek Help
You may benefit from working with a therapist if:
Sibling conflicts are daily and intense
One child is regularly in the role of “victim” or “aggressor”
Parents feel burned out, hopeless, or unable to intervene effectively
There's been a major family disruption, like divorce or grief
At Harvest Counseling & Wellness, we offer family counseling and parenting support to help restore peace, improve communication, and build stronger relationships within your home. Therapy provides a space where both children and parents can feel heard, learn new skills, and grow closer together.
Supporting Sibling Connection for the Long Term
While rivalry may be part of the journey, it doesn’t have to define your children’s relationship. With guidance, consistency, and empathy, siblings can learn valuable life skills: negotiating differences, managing emotions, and cultivating empathy. These skills not only improve their bond today but can carry into adulthood, offering a source of lifelong connection and support.
Consider creating traditions that promote connection beyond the everyday, such as:
Yearly sibling outings
A shared journal or photo project
End-of-day check-ins where each child says something kind about the other
These traditions strengthen empathy and give siblings language for connection, not just competition.
Final Thoughts
Sibling rivalry is a normal and even necessary part of growing up—but it doesn’t have to control your household. With thoughtful parenting, proactive strategies, and, when needed, professional support, your children can grow into not just cohabitants, but teammates, companions, and even best friends.
If you’re navigating sibling conflict and want more support, we’re here to help. Harvest Counseling & Wellness offers parenting support and family therapy for families in Argyle, Denton, Northlake, Flower Mound, Highland Village, and the surrounding DFW area.
