By: Crystal Oehlers, M.ED, LPC, EMDR
Many people think parentification only happens in “serious” situations — a child raising their siblings, handling bills, or mediating adult conflict. And yes, those are the obvious, heavy versions. But the truth is more uncomfortable: parentification happens in quiet, everyday ways, and most adults don’t even realize they’re doing it.
Parentifying a Child Isn’t Responsibility — It’s Stealing Their Childhood
We like to imagine childhood as this protected space where kids get to learn, grow, mess up, and play. But many children live in a world where they’re expected to act like the emotional anchor, the helper, the peacekeeper, or the tiny adult who fills in whatever family gap needs filling. And because it’s framed as “being mature,” “being helpful,” or “being well-behaved,” the damage stays hidden.
How Adults Parentify Without Realizing It
Parentification isn’t always a crisis response. Often, it’s subtle — so subtle that adults convince themselves it’s normal.
It looks like:
Relying on a child for emotional support because the parent feels lonely or overwhelmed.
Sharing adult problems with them in a way that forces them to worry or comfort.
Expecting them to manage the mood of the household.
Asking them to mediate arguments or “keep the peace.”
Treating the oldest child like a third parent.
Calling them “mature for their age” when what they really are is overburdened.
Telling them they’re “strong” instead of noticing they’re tired.
Most parents who do this aren’t malicious. They’re often stressed, under-supported, or repeating patterns from their own childhood. But good intentions don’t erase the outcome. A child doesn’t process the context — they only feel the weight.
Why It Harmfully Reshapes a Child’s Development
When you parentify a child, you train them to abandon their own needs before they’ve even learned what those needs are.
They grow up believing things like:
“My worth comes from taking care of others.”
“My feelings are less important than keeping everyone calm.”
“If I don’t carry the weight, everything falls apart.”
“I’m responsible for other people’s emotions.”
“It’s my job to be the stable one.”
Those beliefs don’t vanish in adulthood. They show up as:
Chronic guilt
Hyper-independence
Trouble asking for help
Choosing partners they care for but who never care for them
Emotional burnout
Anxiety around disappointing anyone
Parentification doesn’t teach responsibility — it teaches self-erasure. It replaces development with duty.
What a Child Actually Needs Instead
A child needs room:
Room to make mistakes.
Room to feel big feelings.
Room to be taken care of instead of being the caretaker.
They need adults who handle adult problems so they can focus on childhood problems — which are actually the building blocks of confidence, emotional literacy, and identity.
And most importantly, they need permission to not be “strong.” Kids aren’t meant to be strong. They’re meant to be safe.
Breaking the Pattern Starts With Noticing It
It’s easy to tell ourselves that kids are resilient, or that “helping out” prepares them for real life. But real preparation comes from having a childhood that teaches them their needs matter too.
Recognizing the small ways parentification creeps into daily life is the first step. Once you see it — once you acknowledge how easily a child can be pushed into roles they were never meant to fill — you can start giving the child back what was quietly taken from them: their right to be a child.
ARE YOU SEEKING SUPPORT AND THERAPY FOR YOUR FAMILY?
Harvest Counseling & Wellness is a Mental Health Counseling Practice in Argyle, Texas. We provide therapy for the whole family struggling with issues related to anxiety, depression, relationships, bullying, abuse, and grief. Our office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin. If you are looking for a therapist in Denton or surrounding areas, contact us today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-294-7061.
